Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
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The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
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I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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