i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
