Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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