is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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