I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i will never coherently bang her
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
