operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
