just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
