I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
