My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
