i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
