Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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