so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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