i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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