We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
