dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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