A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
