if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
