i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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