I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
