He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
