Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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