gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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