She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Randomize
