so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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