Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
