my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
