The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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