Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
