Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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