I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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