why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
