Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
