You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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