you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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