you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
And then my night got REAL pukey
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
