I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Still dying that you shit outside
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
