I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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