I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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