I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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