I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
