my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
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Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
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But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.