I think my vagina is haunted
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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