Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
