i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
