Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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