she woke up with a sticky ear
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
