This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
