She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
