Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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