remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
