I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I think I died a long time ago.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I AM VODKA MAN
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
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