I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
