I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
operation have a gay friend backfired
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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