you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
