There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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