this beer tastes like vomit already
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
