btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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