it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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