mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
