ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
