You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Randomize
