wakey wakey hands off snakey
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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