Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
